Thoughts of a Slightly Confused Potential Convert

I'd like to be a Catholic,
To sail the Holy Sea.
To learn about the Cannon Laws
Like "Don't aim that thing at me".

I'll help around the chapel.
I know I can be trained,
To clean the glass that's dirty.
You know, you call it stained.

I've soldiered for this country
And guarded foreign borders
So I've no problem with a priest
Barking Holy Orders.

No, I'm no fan of gluttony.
While fasting I'll stand firm.
But there's no way you'll see me
Go on a Diet of Worms!

And when it comes to Martyrs Paste
I really don't know whether
It's used to brush the martyr's teeth
Or put martyrs back together.

I have just one more question
For which I'm at a loss
Please can someone tell me
How much a Penta costs.
- Tim Canny